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How To Win
Arguments |
I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an
argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear
of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even
invite me. You too can win arguments.
Simply follow these rules:
1) Make things up.
Suppose, in the Peruvian economy
argument, you are trying to prove Peruvians are underpaid, a position you base
solely on the fact that YOU are underpaid, and you're darned if you're going to
let a bunch of Peruvians be better off. DON'T say: "I think Peruvians are
underpaid." Say: "The average Peruvian's salary in 1981 Pounds adjusted for the
revised tax base is £1,452.81 per annum, which is £836.07 before the mean gross
poverty level."
NOTE: Always make up exact figures.
If an
opponent asks you where you got your information, make THAT up, too. Say: "This
information comes from Dr. Hovel T. Moon's study for the Buford Commission
published May 9, 1982. Didn't you read it?" Say this in the same tone of voice
you would use to say "You left your soiled underwear in my bath house."
2) Use meaningless but weightily-sounding words and
phrases.
Memorize this list:
Let me put it this way
In
terms of
Vis-a-vis
Per se
As it were
Qua
So to speak
You should also memorize some Latin abbreviations such as "Q.E.D.,"
"e.g.," and "i.e." These are all short for "I speak Latin, and you do not."
Here's how to use these words and phrases. Suppose you want to say:
"Peruvians would like to order appetizers more often, but they don't have enough
money."
You never win arguments talking like that. But you WILL win if
you say: "Let me put it this way. In terms of appetizers vis-a vis Peruvians qua
Peruvians, they would like to order them more often, so to speak, but they do
not have enough money per se, as it were. Q.E.D."
Only a fool would
challenge that statement.
3) Use snappy and irrelevant
comebacks.
You need an arsenal of all-purpose irrelevant phrases to
fire back at your opponents when they make valid points. The best are:
You're begging the question.
You're being defensive.
Don't
compare apples and oranges.
What are your parameters?
This last one
is especially valuable. Nobody, other than mathematicians, has the vaguest idea
what "parameters" means.
Here's how to use your comebacks:
You
say As Abraham Lincoln said in 1873...
Your opponents says Lincoln died in
1865.
You say Your begging the question.
OR
You say
Liberians, like most Asians...
Your opponents says Liberia is in Africa.
You say You're being defensive.
4) Compare your opponent to
Adolf Hitler.
This is your heavy artillery, for when your opponent
is obviously right and you are spectacularly wrong. Bring Hitler up subtly. Say:
"That sounds suspiciously like something Adolf Hitler might say" or "You
certainly do remind me of Adolf Hitler."
So that's it: you now know how
to out-argue anybody. DO NOT TRY THIS ON PEOPLE WHO CARRY
WEAPONS
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